8:04 pm My day was good and I feel so much better. I had my last language class. We have a test tomorrow and I am not ready. Oh well. Then this afternoon, I led the session on teaching, it went really well. We had 2 guest speakers, one Kudjo an RPCV now working here and a guy with a massive mullet and only 4 fingers on one hand. He was awesome, very inspirational.
We are going to Mantuto on Thursday now...
Monday, September 6, 2010
September 5, 2005
I made it through the night, barely. I really hate being sick
I am so confused about my decision, to go home or stay. I know I could be here for 2 years but I really don’t think I would be happy. I. I don’t want to sit on my ass for 2 years. I know change is slow, I just don’t know what to do. I ham hoping that when I go to visit, I will get a feeling, one way or the other but I am afraid I won’t. Now that I am not as emotional, I know I could do it, bt I just don’t think this is what I want with my life. I am coming home. I feel good about the decision. No more over analyzing it. That when I get in trouble and upset.
I feel a little better now but I hate trying to sleep. Today we had language and then a stupid tech session on our 100 day plan. Since I have not been to my site or even think I am staying I really didn’t pay attention. Then Barry selects me to present how to teach to the class tomorrow. So much for preparation...
Oh and volunteer Eric (the one getting married on Friday) came. Hearing him speak kinda confirmed that I don’t want to be here. He talked about how he just sat for 6 months doing nothing-not that he didn’t try but nobody wants to doing anything around here. I really don’t want that-shit, I just don’t know what to do. They are going to take me to Manatuto on Wednesday so I guess I will see then.
I know I have said it so many times already, I can do this, I just don’t want to. I don’t see myself here and happy. I honestly don’t know where I see myself but it isn’t here and it isn’t “working” for Peace Corps. I know at one point I wanted this experience but I really don’t anymore. I almost didn’t come here but I had to try it, I had to test it for myself to know otherwise I would regret it every day because I wouldn’t know what it was like, now I know. I remember talking to Aaron about not coming and he said that out motivations for doing something change well I think is what happened.
I really need to talk to Bill. I can’t just keep writing in circles, it doesn’t get me anywhere.
I am so confused about my decision, to go home or stay. I know I could be here for 2 years but I really don’t think I would be happy. I. I don’t want to sit on my ass for 2 years. I know change is slow, I just don’t know what to do. I ham hoping that when I go to visit, I will get a feeling, one way or the other but I am afraid I won’t. Now that I am not as emotional, I know I could do it, bt I just don’t think this is what I want with my life. I am coming home. I feel good about the decision. No more over analyzing it. That when I get in trouble and upset.
I feel a little better now but I hate trying to sleep. Today we had language and then a stupid tech session on our 100 day plan. Since I have not been to my site or even think I am staying I really didn’t pay attention. Then Barry selects me to present how to teach to the class tomorrow. So much for preparation...
Oh and volunteer Eric (the one getting married on Friday) came. Hearing him speak kinda confirmed that I don’t want to be here. He talked about how he just sat for 6 months doing nothing-not that he didn’t try but nobody wants to doing anything around here. I really don’t want that-shit, I just don’t know what to do. They are going to take me to Manatuto on Wednesday so I guess I will see then.
I know I have said it so many times already, I can do this, I just don’t want to. I don’t see myself here and happy. I honestly don’t know where I see myself but it isn’t here and it isn’t “working” for Peace Corps. I know at one point I wanted this experience but I really don’t anymore. I almost didn’t come here but I had to try it, I had to test it for myself to know otherwise I would regret it every day because I wouldn’t know what it was like, now I know. I remember talking to Aaron about not coming and he said that out motivations for doing something change well I think is what happened.
I really need to talk to Bill. I can’t just keep writing in circles, it doesn’t get me anywhere.
September 4, 2005
So-first head cold in ET and it SUCKS! Today we did laundry and then went to Dili. Ally and I actually worked on our health fair project. We finished most of it. I got pics developed for my family. I checked e-mail. We watched Nip/Tuck and I was just zoned out. We got home kind of late, 7 pm! Whoa, wild Saturday night. Oh, while we were waiting for the anguna a guy on a motorcycle drove up and stopped in front of me and in perfect English asked “May I ask where you are going?” Then drove off. It was so funny and random.
I think I forgot to write but Wednesday, Ramos Horta, the minister of foreign affairs and a Nobel Prize winner came and spoke to us.
Gene talked to me today and I said that I will go out to Manatuto this coming week for a day, we will see how that goes.
I think I forgot to write but Wednesday, Ramos Horta, the minister of foreign affairs and a Nobel Prize winner came and spoke to us.
Gene talked to me today and I said that I will go out to Manatuto this coming week for a day, we will see how that goes.
September 2, 2005
6:55pm No, I am not in bed already. I just have a quiet minute!
Well, I have developed a nervous twitch in my left eye. It has been twitching since lunch time, so annoying. It must be do to stress. I also have one bite the size of the entire country on my lower back. So gross! Today, other than my twitch and bite, was great. We found a water source that required about a 30 minute hike in the jungle-so beautiful. Then had a 2 hour lunch, then had language, then hung out at the kiosk. I slept well last night so felt kind of better today.
Oh, so after we went on the hike we went to Jesse’s and the president’s son was sitting there. He is 4 and OMG so CUTE! Xanana’s wife is Australian so he is mixed and just gorgeous, curly brown/blond hair. On top of being too cute, he spoke English, Tetun, and Portugese. Wow, he was cute and super smart-he talked about how spiders (his pet spiders) couldn’t eat flies because flies are too big but mosquitoes are a good size.
Ave called me today to give me my option_ (no “s” mind you). They are going to send me to Manatuto, 1.5 hours from Dili on the north coast. I told him I would have to see it first (which if I am going to stay is a must). Also there are already two volunteers there (Sash and Lillias). I don’t know, I am still pretty set on going home but I will for sure know more once I see the place. Ah-my eye is going crazy!
Dinner time.
Well, I have developed a nervous twitch in my left eye. It has been twitching since lunch time, so annoying. It must be do to stress. I also have one bite the size of the entire country on my lower back. So gross! Today, other than my twitch and bite, was great. We found a water source that required about a 30 minute hike in the jungle-so beautiful. Then had a 2 hour lunch, then had language, then hung out at the kiosk. I slept well last night so felt kind of better today.
Oh, so after we went on the hike we went to Jesse’s and the president’s son was sitting there. He is 4 and OMG so CUTE! Xanana’s wife is Australian so he is mixed and just gorgeous, curly brown/blond hair. On top of being too cute, he spoke English, Tetun, and Portugese. Wow, he was cute and super smart-he talked about how spiders (his pet spiders) couldn’t eat flies because flies are too big but mosquitoes are a good size.
Ave called me today to give me my option_ (no “s” mind you). They are going to send me to Manatuto, 1.5 hours from Dili on the north coast. I told him I would have to see it first (which if I am going to stay is a must). Also there are already two volunteers there (Sash and Lillias). I don’t know, I am still pretty set on going home but I will for sure know more once I see the place. Ah-my eye is going crazy!
Dinner time.
September 1, 2005
6 am. I can’t #$%#$% stand #$%#$%$ roosters. I have never wanted a creature dead so badly. I have been up since 3:30 because of them! It is like they don't understand that they are supposed to do their thing ONLY when the sun rises!!!!
8:15 pm It is TC’s birthday today. Last night we had a nice dinner with Alfanso, me, TC, Randy, and Joe’s family. TC has an odd hate, he hates post-it notes. So, the clever individual I am had everyone in the group write him a note on one and when he went to class this morning we covered his room in them. It was awesome and he loved it!
Other than that my day was just OK. I was up since 3:30 with going to bed at 10 so I as super tired all day.
Oh-I built a brick-we made cement and I made a brick. We also made a slab for a pit latrine. It was fun to do some actual work.
I saw a rat just now in the santina-YUCK!
It’s so cute-both baby girls are really warming up to me. They grab my hand an everything. I really like that they aren’t afraid of me.
8:15 pm It is TC’s birthday today. Last night we had a nice dinner with Alfanso, me, TC, Randy, and Joe’s family. TC has an odd hate, he hates post-it notes. So, the clever individual I am had everyone in the group write him a note on one and when he went to class this morning we covered his room in them. It was awesome and he loved it!
Other than that my day was just OK. I was up since 3:30 with going to bed at 10 so I as super tired all day.
Oh-I built a brick-we made cement and I made a brick. We also made a slab for a pit latrine. It was fun to do some actual work.
I saw a rat just now in the santina-YUCK!
It’s so cute-both baby girls are really warming up to me. They grab my hand an everything. I really like that they aren’t afraid of me.
August 30, 2005
7:38 pm Status of my decision is the same.
Today we had a wonderful relaxing day. Randy and I did laundry this morning and then we went to Dili. Getting to Dili was an adventure. I know mom would not approve. We hitchhiked a ride with some soldiers. It ONLY took 15 minutes to get down (usually it takes about 30-45). It was fun but scary. We went to the PC office then made our way to Caz Bar. It is a nice restaurant just by the beach. We (me, Randy, TC, and Joe) ate and went to the beach the entire day. It was so nice to just relax.
After the beach we headed back home.
Dr. Bill called to check on me today. I feel alright-very tense and I have a bad headache but it is stress.
I am ALMOST done with Harry Potter! This book has been my saving grace the past week, I could always count on it when I needed a distraction!
Today we had a wonderful relaxing day. Randy and I did laundry this morning and then we went to Dili. Getting to Dili was an adventure. I know mom would not approve. We hitchhiked a ride with some soldiers. It ONLY took 15 minutes to get down (usually it takes about 30-45). It was fun but scary. We went to the PC office then made our way to Caz Bar. It is a nice restaurant just by the beach. We (me, Randy, TC, and Joe) ate and went to the beach the entire day. It was so nice to just relax.
After the beach we headed back home.
Dr. Bill called to check on me today. I feel alright-very tense and I have a bad headache but it is stress.
I am ALMOST done with Harry Potter! This book has been my saving grace the past week, I could always count on it when I needed a distraction!
August 29, 2005
7:59 pm. I am probably the most tired I have ever been in my life. My mind is so tired from talking and thinking so much. Today I talked with Gene, Ave, and Bill, all separately. Gene apologized and will give me options to change. I feel he sincerely is sorry. Ave also apologized but really had nothing else to say-it is his fault (and Richards but he is gone). Bill was the best. He truly does care about me. Everyone else is supportive regardless of what I decide to do. He really helped me get something kind of tangible out of my mess of emotions. He told me to make my mind up because worrying about doing that is the hardest thing and takes up so much energy. He said to make my mind up but not really tell anyone-have a date in mind and if my mind changes between now and then, fine. But if not, then it will be easy to announce and I don’t have to stress about it.
So as of right now my decision is to go home. I will leave when I would move from Balibar. I won’t stay for swear-in (that would be too hard). I will wait to tell PC until the 10th or 11th. I am going to let them offer me choices and I still open to staying here if I feel comfortable and right at the new site. If not I am coming home. I feel good-emotionally drained but happy. I have learned a lot more than ever before about so many things. My mind is really clouded with emotions but they will clear up now that I have decided.
So as of right now my decision is to go home. I will leave when I would move from Balibar. I won’t stay for swear-in (that would be too hard). I will wait to tell PC until the 10th or 11th. I am going to let them offer me choices and I still open to staying here if I feel comfortable and right at the new site. If not I am coming home. I feel good-emotionally drained but happy. I have learned a lot more than ever before about so many things. My mind is really clouded with emotions but they will clear up now that I have decided.
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