August 16, 2005

18:57 So journal #3 begins. I so can’t wait to read these later in life!


We are all going through a pissy phase right now. I think that we are all feeding off of each other and though we are not 100% serious we are talking about going home. Of course this isn’t going to happen, but it is the front of my mind. I feel as if I have hit a wall, the first of many. My thinking is: why be so far away from everything and everybody I love when I can help just as much (if not more) while being closer to those things? I know I can and will help here-I know I don’t want to give up. I know a wonderful life will be in both places-different but wonderful. I have to remember the one child thing. But can’t I do that at home?

These feelings come in such distinct waves. Sometimes I feel so happy that I am here and so right, then other times I doubt my decision to leave. I know when I complete this it will be my biggest accomplishment in my life. That keeps me going. My pride has gotten in the way. It is keeping me here. I want to help but also I can’t give up. As we talked about before I left-I would regret every day if I gave up. But how do I know I won’t regret every day I am not in the states. I have such a homebodiness in me-I have a sense of adventure but I also just love being home. I don’t feel at home yet here-I know this will take time but I want that comfort feeling and I am so far removed from that and will be for such a long time that it scares me. And then I have to go through it all over again when I get home.

Ah-I know this will pass. I bet as soon as I get my site assignment in two days, I will feel better once I know where I will be-I feel so helpless and stagnant right now. I still keep my head high and keep observing and keep learning. If I go home today I will come back a better person, If I go home in two years I will be a better person also. I just can’t think to much…it is big circle and my head hurts