8:04 pm My day was good and I feel so much better. I had my last language class. We have a test tomorrow and I am not ready. Oh well. Then this afternoon, I led the session on teaching, it went really well. We had 2 guest speakers, one Kudjo an RPCV now working here and a guy with a massive mullet and only 4 fingers on one hand. He was awesome, very inspirational.
We are going to Mantuto on Thursday now...
Monday, September 6, 2010
September 5, 2005
I made it through the night, barely. I really hate being sick
I am so confused about my decision, to go home or stay. I know I could be here for 2 years but I really don’t think I would be happy. I. I don’t want to sit on my ass for 2 years. I know change is slow, I just don’t know what to do. I ham hoping that when I go to visit, I will get a feeling, one way or the other but I am afraid I won’t. Now that I am not as emotional, I know I could do it, bt I just don’t think this is what I want with my life. I am coming home. I feel good about the decision. No more over analyzing it. That when I get in trouble and upset.
I feel a little better now but I hate trying to sleep. Today we had language and then a stupid tech session on our 100 day plan. Since I have not been to my site or even think I am staying I really didn’t pay attention. Then Barry selects me to present how to teach to the class tomorrow. So much for preparation...
Oh and volunteer Eric (the one getting married on Friday) came. Hearing him speak kinda confirmed that I don’t want to be here. He talked about how he just sat for 6 months doing nothing-not that he didn’t try but nobody wants to doing anything around here. I really don’t want that-shit, I just don’t know what to do. They are going to take me to Manatuto on Wednesday so I guess I will see then.
I know I have said it so many times already, I can do this, I just don’t want to. I don’t see myself here and happy. I honestly don’t know where I see myself but it isn’t here and it isn’t “working” for Peace Corps. I know at one point I wanted this experience but I really don’t anymore. I almost didn’t come here but I had to try it, I had to test it for myself to know otherwise I would regret it every day because I wouldn’t know what it was like, now I know. I remember talking to Aaron about not coming and he said that out motivations for doing something change well I think is what happened.
I really need to talk to Bill. I can’t just keep writing in circles, it doesn’t get me anywhere.
I am so confused about my decision, to go home or stay. I know I could be here for 2 years but I really don’t think I would be happy. I. I don’t want to sit on my ass for 2 years. I know change is slow, I just don’t know what to do. I ham hoping that when I go to visit, I will get a feeling, one way or the other but I am afraid I won’t. Now that I am not as emotional, I know I could do it, bt I just don’t think this is what I want with my life. I am coming home. I feel good about the decision. No more over analyzing it. That when I get in trouble and upset.
I feel a little better now but I hate trying to sleep. Today we had language and then a stupid tech session on our 100 day plan. Since I have not been to my site or even think I am staying I really didn’t pay attention. Then Barry selects me to present how to teach to the class tomorrow. So much for preparation...
Oh and volunteer Eric (the one getting married on Friday) came. Hearing him speak kinda confirmed that I don’t want to be here. He talked about how he just sat for 6 months doing nothing-not that he didn’t try but nobody wants to doing anything around here. I really don’t want that-shit, I just don’t know what to do. They are going to take me to Manatuto on Wednesday so I guess I will see then.
I know I have said it so many times already, I can do this, I just don’t want to. I don’t see myself here and happy. I honestly don’t know where I see myself but it isn’t here and it isn’t “working” for Peace Corps. I know at one point I wanted this experience but I really don’t anymore. I almost didn’t come here but I had to try it, I had to test it for myself to know otherwise I would regret it every day because I wouldn’t know what it was like, now I know. I remember talking to Aaron about not coming and he said that out motivations for doing something change well I think is what happened.
I really need to talk to Bill. I can’t just keep writing in circles, it doesn’t get me anywhere.
September 4, 2005
So-first head cold in ET and it SUCKS! Today we did laundry and then went to Dili. Ally and I actually worked on our health fair project. We finished most of it. I got pics developed for my family. I checked e-mail. We watched Nip/Tuck and I was just zoned out. We got home kind of late, 7 pm! Whoa, wild Saturday night. Oh, while we were waiting for the anguna a guy on a motorcycle drove up and stopped in front of me and in perfect English asked “May I ask where you are going?” Then drove off. It was so funny and random.
I think I forgot to write but Wednesday, Ramos Horta, the minister of foreign affairs and a Nobel Prize winner came and spoke to us.
Gene talked to me today and I said that I will go out to Manatuto this coming week for a day, we will see how that goes.
I think I forgot to write but Wednesday, Ramos Horta, the minister of foreign affairs and a Nobel Prize winner came and spoke to us.
Gene talked to me today and I said that I will go out to Manatuto this coming week for a day, we will see how that goes.
September 2, 2005
6:55pm No, I am not in bed already. I just have a quiet minute!
Well, I have developed a nervous twitch in my left eye. It has been twitching since lunch time, so annoying. It must be do to stress. I also have one bite the size of the entire country on my lower back. So gross! Today, other than my twitch and bite, was great. We found a water source that required about a 30 minute hike in the jungle-so beautiful. Then had a 2 hour lunch, then had language, then hung out at the kiosk. I slept well last night so felt kind of better today.
Oh, so after we went on the hike we went to Jesse’s and the president’s son was sitting there. He is 4 and OMG so CUTE! Xanana’s wife is Australian so he is mixed and just gorgeous, curly brown/blond hair. On top of being too cute, he spoke English, Tetun, and Portugese. Wow, he was cute and super smart-he talked about how spiders (his pet spiders) couldn’t eat flies because flies are too big but mosquitoes are a good size.
Ave called me today to give me my option_ (no “s” mind you). They are going to send me to Manatuto, 1.5 hours from Dili on the north coast. I told him I would have to see it first (which if I am going to stay is a must). Also there are already two volunteers there (Sash and Lillias). I don’t know, I am still pretty set on going home but I will for sure know more once I see the place. Ah-my eye is going crazy!
Dinner time.
Well, I have developed a nervous twitch in my left eye. It has been twitching since lunch time, so annoying. It must be do to stress. I also have one bite the size of the entire country on my lower back. So gross! Today, other than my twitch and bite, was great. We found a water source that required about a 30 minute hike in the jungle-so beautiful. Then had a 2 hour lunch, then had language, then hung out at the kiosk. I slept well last night so felt kind of better today.
Oh, so after we went on the hike we went to Jesse’s and the president’s son was sitting there. He is 4 and OMG so CUTE! Xanana’s wife is Australian so he is mixed and just gorgeous, curly brown/blond hair. On top of being too cute, he spoke English, Tetun, and Portugese. Wow, he was cute and super smart-he talked about how spiders (his pet spiders) couldn’t eat flies because flies are too big but mosquitoes are a good size.
Ave called me today to give me my option_ (no “s” mind you). They are going to send me to Manatuto, 1.5 hours from Dili on the north coast. I told him I would have to see it first (which if I am going to stay is a must). Also there are already two volunteers there (Sash and Lillias). I don’t know, I am still pretty set on going home but I will for sure know more once I see the place. Ah-my eye is going crazy!
Dinner time.
September 1, 2005
6 am. I can’t #$%#$% stand #$%#$%$ roosters. I have never wanted a creature dead so badly. I have been up since 3:30 because of them! It is like they don't understand that they are supposed to do their thing ONLY when the sun rises!!!!
8:15 pm It is TC’s birthday today. Last night we had a nice dinner with Alfanso, me, TC, Randy, and Joe’s family. TC has an odd hate, he hates post-it notes. So, the clever individual I am had everyone in the group write him a note on one and when he went to class this morning we covered his room in them. It was awesome and he loved it!
Other than that my day was just OK. I was up since 3:30 with going to bed at 10 so I as super tired all day.
Oh-I built a brick-we made cement and I made a brick. We also made a slab for a pit latrine. It was fun to do some actual work.
I saw a rat just now in the santina-YUCK!
It’s so cute-both baby girls are really warming up to me. They grab my hand an everything. I really like that they aren’t afraid of me.
8:15 pm It is TC’s birthday today. Last night we had a nice dinner with Alfanso, me, TC, Randy, and Joe’s family. TC has an odd hate, he hates post-it notes. So, the clever individual I am had everyone in the group write him a note on one and when he went to class this morning we covered his room in them. It was awesome and he loved it!
Other than that my day was just OK. I was up since 3:30 with going to bed at 10 so I as super tired all day.
Oh-I built a brick-we made cement and I made a brick. We also made a slab for a pit latrine. It was fun to do some actual work.
I saw a rat just now in the santina-YUCK!
It’s so cute-both baby girls are really warming up to me. They grab my hand an everything. I really like that they aren’t afraid of me.
August 30, 2005
7:38 pm Status of my decision is the same.
Today we had a wonderful relaxing day. Randy and I did laundry this morning and then we went to Dili. Getting to Dili was an adventure. I know mom would not approve. We hitchhiked a ride with some soldiers. It ONLY took 15 minutes to get down (usually it takes about 30-45). It was fun but scary. We went to the PC office then made our way to Caz Bar. It is a nice restaurant just by the beach. We (me, Randy, TC, and Joe) ate and went to the beach the entire day. It was so nice to just relax.
After the beach we headed back home.
Dr. Bill called to check on me today. I feel alright-very tense and I have a bad headache but it is stress.
I am ALMOST done with Harry Potter! This book has been my saving grace the past week, I could always count on it when I needed a distraction!
Today we had a wonderful relaxing day. Randy and I did laundry this morning and then we went to Dili. Getting to Dili was an adventure. I know mom would not approve. We hitchhiked a ride with some soldiers. It ONLY took 15 minutes to get down (usually it takes about 30-45). It was fun but scary. We went to the PC office then made our way to Caz Bar. It is a nice restaurant just by the beach. We (me, Randy, TC, and Joe) ate and went to the beach the entire day. It was so nice to just relax.
After the beach we headed back home.
Dr. Bill called to check on me today. I feel alright-very tense and I have a bad headache but it is stress.
I am ALMOST done with Harry Potter! This book has been my saving grace the past week, I could always count on it when I needed a distraction!
August 29, 2005
7:59 pm. I am probably the most tired I have ever been in my life. My mind is so tired from talking and thinking so much. Today I talked with Gene, Ave, and Bill, all separately. Gene apologized and will give me options to change. I feel he sincerely is sorry. Ave also apologized but really had nothing else to say-it is his fault (and Richards but he is gone). Bill was the best. He truly does care about me. Everyone else is supportive regardless of what I decide to do. He really helped me get something kind of tangible out of my mess of emotions. He told me to make my mind up because worrying about doing that is the hardest thing and takes up so much energy. He said to make my mind up but not really tell anyone-have a date in mind and if my mind changes between now and then, fine. But if not, then it will be easy to announce and I don’t have to stress about it.
So as of right now my decision is to go home. I will leave when I would move from Balibar. I won’t stay for swear-in (that would be too hard). I will wait to tell PC until the 10th or 11th. I am going to let them offer me choices and I still open to staying here if I feel comfortable and right at the new site. If not I am coming home. I feel good-emotionally drained but happy. I have learned a lot more than ever before about so many things. My mind is really clouded with emotions but they will clear up now that I have decided.
So as of right now my decision is to go home. I will leave when I would move from Balibar. I won’t stay for swear-in (that would be too hard). I will wait to tell PC until the 10th or 11th. I am going to let them offer me choices and I still open to staying here if I feel comfortable and right at the new site. If not I am coming home. I feel good-emotionally drained but happy. I have learned a lot more than ever before about so many things. My mind is really clouded with emotions but they will clear up now that I have decided.
August 28, 2005
9 pm. So-I am home, well home as in Balibar and I am SO happy. My host family is amazing. My host mom said she missed me so much. She didn’t eat or sleep for 2 days. I just loved coming back here and I am going to have a hard time leaving this.
I have talked about my visit so much-I don’t think I can write anymore. Everyone (the trainees and volunteers and my mom and my brother) are all 100% supportive of whatever I decide. I feel much better now that I have talked to people but I still don’t know. I don’t think I will be effective here-I know I can be here, it isn’t that I am weak but I just don’t see myself making the impact that I want to make.
I just don’t know-I feel like I am trying to convince myself that its okay to leave even though I don’t need to. I simply need to do what I feel is right. My fear is that I will regret leaving. I would be afraid that I would constantly be thinking of the people I COULD be helping. But with that said, I feel I have seen the reality of living here enough that I know I wouldn’t REALLY be helping THAT many people. My whole reason for living is to help, I can do that in thousands of places-it doesn’t have to be here.
I fully intended on staying the two years but I really didn’t know the reality of what I was getting in to. I had to try it.
Tomorrow is D-day. I will talk to Gene. I don’t know how it will go. I am going to be strong. I am rational enough now to convey myself. I don’t know if they can say anything that will change my mind. But I also didn’t think there was anything that could change my mind about staying here?? We will see.
Time to distract myself in Harry Potter!
I have talked about my visit so much-I don’t think I can write anymore. Everyone (the trainees and volunteers and my mom and my brother) are all 100% supportive of whatever I decide. I feel much better now that I have talked to people but I still don’t know. I don’t think I will be effective here-I know I can be here, it isn’t that I am weak but I just don’t see myself making the impact that I want to make.
I just don’t know-I feel like I am trying to convince myself that its okay to leave even though I don’t need to. I simply need to do what I feel is right. My fear is that I will regret leaving. I would be afraid that I would constantly be thinking of the people I COULD be helping. But with that said, I feel I have seen the reality of living here enough that I know I wouldn’t REALLY be helping THAT many people. My whole reason for living is to help, I can do that in thousands of places-it doesn’t have to be here.
I fully intended on staying the two years but I really didn’t know the reality of what I was getting in to. I had to try it.
Tomorrow is D-day. I will talk to Gene. I don’t know how it will go. I am going to be strong. I am rational enough now to convey myself. I don’t know if they can say anything that will change my mind. But I also didn’t think there was anything that could change my mind about staying here?? We will see.
Time to distract myself in Harry Potter!
August 26, 2005
I am no closer to my decision to stay or go. This morning I was in another world. I didn’t sleep well. Romeo (the dad of the house) came with me on the anguna to Same. On the way I saw Aaron, he was on his way to a meeting. Then when I got off my favorite person in the world was there-Jay. We walked to Aaron’s house and I lost it. I told him all about what happened and he said to just think about it. I am going to talk to PC and Dr. Bill tomorrow. I also talked to Rebekah and she said the same.
I know my situation will change and I feel much less upset than yesterday but I still don’t see myself here.
I know my situation will change and I feel much less upset than yesterday but I still don’t see myself here.
August 25, 2005
6:47am So I think I am coming home. I woke up today with this horrific feeling. I am not going to make any quick decisions but I just don’t see myself here for 2 years. I need to talk with someone so being alone doesn’t help. I just have this feeling. I don’t feel anymore that if I come home I am giving up, I feel I am doing what is best for me. I don’t feel this is it. Bt I am not going to think about it for the day-talk to PC when I get back and see what happens.
11:27am Still not thinking about going home. It is just so weird-the clinic is open but maybe 5 people have come. Another nurse is here and I spoke to him and Olinda (the nice nurse) about the main problems. Malaria is the biggest. They do promotions in the villages but se motorcycle which I can’t ride. I just don’t know-I feel helpless and like I am just taking up space. I know I need to just take initiative and figure things out but I don’t feel I can. They forbid me from going anywhere alone.
Oh-so the girl from last night died. A ministry of health truck came by and told us this morning. I think I am shock from the whole experience and have no one to talk to about it. Just get through today and I will figure it out. I feel like I should do something but WHAT?!?!!?
3:14 pm I have pretty much decided on going home-this just isn’t for me. Now this feeling may change but I don’t think so. I don’t know what it is but I know enough about myself to trust my gut. My gut is telling me to go home. It’s a big deal that I am writing this down because I know I am serious. It is as if a weight has been lifted after coming to this realization. I know they say change is slow here but give me a break-I don’t see myself making an impact here. I know as shitty of a job CORAL was-I did something for those kids. There isn’t one reason. I just want to feel like I am accomplishing something. I don’t see it or feel it here-granted its been 2 days but I know when to trust myself.
9:08pm So I have pretty much checked out-I just don’t see myself here. I am having a sweat/panic attack again. I just need to get through tonight talk to someone who understands me and figure out what to do.
This afternoon a guy named Orlando came by, he is a nurse at the CHC where I was yesterday. I put a smile on my face and said the only problem was Sergio not coming and the room is too small. He is going to work on the room/living situation. It is not his fault that my counterpart didn’t show and wasted my time. He gave me a map of the area and was really nice.
11:27am Still not thinking about going home. It is just so weird-the clinic is open but maybe 5 people have come. Another nurse is here and I spoke to him and Olinda (the nice nurse) about the main problems. Malaria is the biggest. They do promotions in the villages but se motorcycle which I can’t ride. I just don’t know-I feel helpless and like I am just taking up space. I know I need to just take initiative and figure things out but I don’t feel I can. They forbid me from going anywhere alone.
Oh-so the girl from last night died. A ministry of health truck came by and told us this morning. I think I am shock from the whole experience and have no one to talk to about it. Just get through today and I will figure it out. I feel like I should do something but WHAT?!?!!?
3:14 pm I have pretty much decided on going home-this just isn’t for me. Now this feeling may change but I don’t think so. I don’t know what it is but I know enough about myself to trust my gut. My gut is telling me to go home. It’s a big deal that I am writing this down because I know I am serious. It is as if a weight has been lifted after coming to this realization. I know they say change is slow here but give me a break-I don’t see myself making an impact here. I know as shitty of a job CORAL was-I did something for those kids. There isn’t one reason. I just want to feel like I am accomplishing something. I don’t see it or feel it here-granted its been 2 days but I know when to trust myself.
9:08pm So I have pretty much checked out-I just don’t see myself here. I am having a sweat/panic attack again. I just need to get through tonight talk to someone who understands me and figure out what to do.
This afternoon a guy named Orlando came by, he is a nurse at the CHC where I was yesterday. I put a smile on my face and said the only problem was Sergio not coming and the room is too small. He is going to work on the room/living situation. It is not his fault that my counterpart didn’t show and wasted my time. He gave me a map of the area and was really nice.
August 24, 2005
6:50 AM So I made it through the night. I slept pretty well. OK, so just more observations/venting. I don’t think I’m with the right family. The paper that Peace Corps gave me (which may be wrong) says I am living with Manuel Soares-I am definitely not with his family. That is my project today, to figure that out or find a bigger room. They said the beach was right at my porch but from my house I see not beach, must find that today also.
I am totally overwhelmed and really just want to figure everything out but I know it will take a while. I need to just sit back and I will figure it out soon enough. I am sure most of it is my misunderstanding and PC mixing it up.
My only real discomfort for the next 3 days is that there is no lock on the door. Thankfully the PC driver took a look in my room and made them board up my window.
Other than that I will work this out. I am nervous but I know I am smart enough that I can figure out how and where to live.
I thought I was supposed to go with a lady from the clinic to another clinic today (now) but I guess not.
The mom’s name is Maria, the baby is Titano (?) and there is a cute girl with a fro. The nurse is Olinda.
Yesterday we drove the same way we went when we did our volunteer visit (to Laclubar) to drop Dewey (a volunteer) off. He lives in the FOHO!
So this family leaves me pretty much alone but I feel they don’t want me here. Ah! Relax-it will work out. I just had a cup of the sweetest coffee EVER so I am scatter brained.
.
12:26 pm I have no idea what’s going on and I did just lose it. About an hour ago a PC truck showed up to check on me. I am at the big clinic just observing. They came because of my room. They put me on the outside of the house because they thought they were getting a guy. Betty (a volunteer) came and I just started crying. It was not that I was overwhelmed at that moment but just everything. My counterpart is still nowhere to be found, the nice lady nurse is very concerned for me because of my living situation.
I had my first serious thought of going home. I know I won’t this easily but I really don’t see myself here. It very well is probably due to the disorganization on PC part. I don’t see myself living here
We went to the market and I was just stared and laughed at. I know I can’t let it get to me but I have never felt so stupid in my life and it really makes me angry. It’s the fish bowl thing but it hasn’t gotten to me like this before. I had higher expectations of my placement- 1st and biggest mistake. I thought I would be closer to water and that would keep me sane. I really have nothing. The nice nurse is helping but she was put in a hard situation. Ah-I should have been more prepared. It so weird, like I know I can live here but my gut feeling is I don’t want to. I will see how I feel in a couple days. I am cutting my stay a day short and going to stay with Aaron Friday night. I will see what PC does/says, that might help me decide what to do.
9pm I just had the experience I never wanted to have but knew it would happen. About an hour before dinner an ambulance sped through. Just after dinner it came back. Since the nurse lives at the clinic and eats with s they stopped. The driver gets out and comes over to me. He speaks English-kinda. The nurse runs into the clinic, grabs medicine and comes back. The ambulance pulls to the side and they star working on the girl. She is maybe 20. The driver/EMT tells me she is sick because she didn’t eat. She is foaming at the mouth and I can hear her breathing from a good 10 feet away. I heard them try to talk to her and there was no response. It seems they started an IV-I think just to hydrate her. After about 10 minutes of watching this horrific feeling swept over my body. I almost threw up right then but I just walked to my room-by the time I got in privacy I was sweating a ton and shaking pretty bad. I sat down cause I felt like I was about to black out. I just sat and fanned myself for 10 minutes. I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t do anything. I have never felt this before. I think if I had not walked away when I did I would have fainted. After about 30 minutes of working on her they took off towards Same. I asked why she was sick and they said she took too much medicine and was “drunk” from that. I didn’t ask but from they way they ere talking I don’t know if she will live. I don’t know how I am feeling, I have never experienced or witnessed something like this. I think with all that happened today my entire body and mind are on overload. I didn’t shed a tear because I think I was in shock. Wow-Life was just really put into perspective-I don’t know what perspective but my eyes were definitely widened.
I am totally overwhelmed and really just want to figure everything out but I know it will take a while. I need to just sit back and I will figure it out soon enough. I am sure most of it is my misunderstanding and PC mixing it up.
My only real discomfort for the next 3 days is that there is no lock on the door. Thankfully the PC driver took a look in my room and made them board up my window.
Other than that I will work this out. I am nervous but I know I am smart enough that I can figure out how and where to live.
I thought I was supposed to go with a lady from the clinic to another clinic today (now) but I guess not.
The mom’s name is Maria, the baby is Titano (?) and there is a cute girl with a fro. The nurse is Olinda.
Yesterday we drove the same way we went when we did our volunteer visit (to Laclubar) to drop Dewey (a volunteer) off. He lives in the FOHO!
So this family leaves me pretty much alone but I feel they don’t want me here. Ah! Relax-it will work out. I just had a cup of the sweetest coffee EVER so I am scatter brained.
.
12:26 pm I have no idea what’s going on and I did just lose it. About an hour ago a PC truck showed up to check on me. I am at the big clinic just observing. They came because of my room. They put me on the outside of the house because they thought they were getting a guy. Betty (a volunteer) came and I just started crying. It was not that I was overwhelmed at that moment but just everything. My counterpart is still nowhere to be found, the nice lady nurse is very concerned for me because of my living situation.
I had my first serious thought of going home. I know I won’t this easily but I really don’t see myself here. It very well is probably due to the disorganization on PC part. I don’t see myself living here
We went to the market and I was just stared and laughed at. I know I can’t let it get to me but I have never felt so stupid in my life and it really makes me angry. It’s the fish bowl thing but it hasn’t gotten to me like this before. I had higher expectations of my placement- 1st and biggest mistake. I thought I would be closer to water and that would keep me sane. I really have nothing. The nice nurse is helping but she was put in a hard situation. Ah-I should have been more prepared. It so weird, like I know I can live here but my gut feeling is I don’t want to. I will see how I feel in a couple days. I am cutting my stay a day short and going to stay with Aaron Friday night. I will see what PC does/says, that might help me decide what to do.
9pm I just had the experience I never wanted to have but knew it would happen. About an hour before dinner an ambulance sped through. Just after dinner it came back. Since the nurse lives at the clinic and eats with s they stopped. The driver gets out and comes over to me. He speaks English-kinda. The nurse runs into the clinic, grabs medicine and comes back. The ambulance pulls to the side and they star working on the girl. She is maybe 20. The driver/EMT tells me she is sick because she didn’t eat. She is foaming at the mouth and I can hear her breathing from a good 10 feet away. I heard them try to talk to her and there was no response. It seems they started an IV-I think just to hydrate her. After about 10 minutes of watching this horrific feeling swept over my body. I almost threw up right then but I just walked to my room-by the time I got in privacy I was sweating a ton and shaking pretty bad. I sat down cause I felt like I was about to black out. I just sat and fanned myself for 10 minutes. I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t do anything. I have never felt this before. I think if I had not walked away when I did I would have fainted. After about 30 minutes of working on her they took off towards Same. I asked why she was sick and they said she took too much medicine and was “drunk” from that. I didn’t ask but from they way they ere talking I don’t know if she will live. I don’t know how I am feeling, I have never experienced or witnessed something like this. I think with all that happened today my entire body and mind are on overload. I didn’t shed a tear because I think I was in shock. Wow-Life was just really put into perspective-I don’t know what perspective but my eyes were definitely widened.
August 23, 2005
8:54 am. I missed my first day of writing!
9:00 pm Ok so at this moment I am trying to tell myself to calm down, big breaths and this is everything I prepared for. I am here at my site, no cell reception, no electricity, this is it. My room is so tiny. It fits a very large but hard as a rock bed but there is no extra room. There is no way I can live here for 2 years. I need room for my stuff and there just isn’t any here. When they dropped me off it was like a surprise that I was here (I expected that though). I am doing fine with language. The clinic where I will be working is directly across the street. I can’t see the water as was told to me yesterday but it is close and full of crocodiles. I am going to explore tomorrow. I don’t know what my options are for living-I just know it can’t be like this.
Seriously, this is exactly the image I had in my head of where I would be placed. It is so beautiful-long straight roads (great for a bike) with high green weeds on both sides. Palm trees/coconut trees are everywhere. It really is tropical looking/feeling. I can’t wait to see the water. I believe I successfully explained that I want to cook for myself. Oh-I didn’t even mention that I am living with the Xefe de Suco. My room has no lock on it but I feel safe. I really haven’t processed it all-I guess I just needed to get my initial thoughts out. I am alone-I am scared but I feel ok. I may freak out but that’s fine. This is what I prepared for before I left. I must sleep now, long day of bouncing in the PC car today (7 hours to be exact)
9:00 pm Ok so at this moment I am trying to tell myself to calm down, big breaths and this is everything I prepared for. I am here at my site, no cell reception, no electricity, this is it. My room is so tiny. It fits a very large but hard as a rock bed but there is no extra room. There is no way I can live here for 2 years. I need room for my stuff and there just isn’t any here. When they dropped me off it was like a surprise that I was here (I expected that though). I am doing fine with language. The clinic where I will be working is directly across the street. I can’t see the water as was told to me yesterday but it is close and full of crocodiles. I am going to explore tomorrow. I don’t know what my options are for living-I just know it can’t be like this.
Seriously, this is exactly the image I had in my head of where I would be placed. It is so beautiful-long straight roads (great for a bike) with high green weeds on both sides. Palm trees/coconut trees are everywhere. It really is tropical looking/feeling. I can’t wait to see the water. I believe I successfully explained that I want to cook for myself. Oh-I didn’t even mention that I am living with the Xefe de Suco. My room has no lock on it but I feel safe. I really haven’t processed it all-I guess I just needed to get my initial thoughts out. I am alone-I am scared but I feel ok. I may freak out but that’s fine. This is what I prepared for before I left. I must sleep now, long day of bouncing in the PC car today (7 hours to be exact)
August 21, 2005
7:44 PM I am in bed already…I have a problem, I am going to talk to Dr. Bill about it tomorrow. I sleep so much but am so tired, like my body hurts its so tired. I was dizzy and had to lie down-I eat way enough and am getting my protein (I have tofu or eggs at every meal). I slept/read today for 3 hours and then went to school and played more kickball-It may be that but I really didn’t exert myself THAT much-not enough that I should feel this bad.
I am very nervous (once again). Tomorrow is going to be a whole new first when I get to my site where I will be for 2 years! I am not letting it get to be because as with everything else, I know it will work out fine, but I admit it, I am scared and I am nervous. I predict a lot of akward silence.
My family here is so wonderful. They give me all they can and they are so nervous about me leaving. They gave me coffee to bring with me because they are afraid Alas won’t have any. They also gave me a spoon and a cup to make the coffee. I am more toched by that than any other gift given to me before. I know how much time and effort goes into making the coffee and it isn’t a small deal that they give some to me. It’s huge-its all they have to give me and they are so proud to do so. I really am going to miss them.
I asked the language teacher about them calling me “bi'in” instead of Mana-they said it is a really good thing and that it means they have accepted me as family and respect me a lot.
I am very nervous (once again). Tomorrow is going to be a whole new first when I get to my site where I will be for 2 years! I am not letting it get to be because as with everything else, I know it will work out fine, but I admit it, I am scared and I am nervous. I predict a lot of akward silence.
My family here is so wonderful. They give me all they can and they are so nervous about me leaving. They gave me coffee to bring with me because they are afraid Alas won’t have any. They also gave me a spoon and a cup to make the coffee. I am more toched by that than any other gift given to me before. I know how much time and effort goes into making the coffee and it isn’t a small deal that they give some to me. It’s huge-its all they have to give me and they are so proud to do so. I really am going to miss them.
I asked the language teacher about them calling me “bi'in” instead of Mana-they said it is a really good thing and that it means they have accepted me as family and respect me a lot.
August 20, 2005
8:00 AM Sweeping my room listening to Bon Jovi-Livin on a Prayer. My life is not so bad!
8:01 PM- Ah, See I need to not always start with “so. Today was wonderful. I had a happy and relaxed day. I “slept-in” till 6:30! OH MY GOD-I am so lazy. No Anto said I could night before-I was actually not fully asleep from about 3 on but I just listened to Jack Johnson and kind of slept.
So, (see I did it). I cleaned my room-the dirt here is amazing, there is so much of it. I think sweeping is actually bad for me cause then all the stuff is in the air and in my lungs.
We went to school for a while and I had my interview with Nelson. Randy and I came home at like 11 and I did laundry and ate and talked to him while he did his (he has more close here than I brought all together).
Anyway the god father was having another meeting at 2 so we made sure NOT to be here. We went to play kick ball at school. It was so much fun. We taught the kids and they were so good. Kids here are so much more athletic than in the states-they understood the game and played well in 5 minutes. That’s really good considering the language barrier.
We played till about 4:30 and then sat around and walked back via the cold Kiosk.
Joe left for the island already so it was me, TC, Randy, and Jesse. This was the 1st real time I had spent with Jesse and it was great.
My host mom is going to teach me how to make coffee and send some with me because apparently they don’t have any in Alas.
I must sleep-church in the morning.
8:01 PM- Ah, See I need to not always start with “so. Today was wonderful. I had a happy and relaxed day. I “slept-in” till 6:30! OH MY GOD-I am so lazy. No Anto said I could night before-I was actually not fully asleep from about 3 on but I just listened to Jack Johnson and kind of slept.
So, (see I did it). I cleaned my room-the dirt here is amazing, there is so much of it. I think sweeping is actually bad for me cause then all the stuff is in the air and in my lungs.
We went to school for a while and I had my interview with Nelson. Randy and I came home at like 11 and I did laundry and ate and talked to him while he did his (he has more close here than I brought all together).
Anyway the god father was having another meeting at 2 so we made sure NOT to be here. We went to play kick ball at school. It was so much fun. We taught the kids and they were so good. Kids here are so much more athletic than in the states-they understood the game and played well in 5 minutes. That’s really good considering the language barrier.
We played till about 4:30 and then sat around and walked back via the cold Kiosk.
Joe left for the island already so it was me, TC, Randy, and Jesse. This was the 1st real time I had spent with Jesse and it was great.
My host mom is going to teach me how to make coffee and send some with me because apparently they don’t have any in Alas.
I must sleep-church in the morning.
August 19, 2005
7:15 am. Oh my goodness! I am so sick to my stomach right now I just have to write. Here I am enjoying my bread and coffee. The baby is being cute then she pees all over the bench, Anto, and herself. We just keep eating, pee everywhere-gross but it gets worse. About 5 minutes later the baby craps it falls out her pants and onto the ground. Anto just laughs- I AM TRYING TO EAT! So she takes her out and then when she comes back she calls the dog over and she eats the poo-at this point I am close to vomiting-actually I still feel that way!. So, I get up and walk to my room, ah, some things I just can’t get used to.
8:15 pm So my headache is finally gone-I feel so much better. I finished my romance- it was so dumb.
Today we had a talk from Dr. Dan Murphy-he is an American doctor who is so passionate about helping the Timorese. They train normal women in how to be mid wives so more communities have them. He really wants to coordinate with us so we will figure out which woman can be sent to get training. This guy is so passionate he was really amazing. He put a lot in perspective for me. I am here to work-as weird as it sounds I haven’t thought of this as work yet, but I need to change my mind set-I have a job to do and I want to do a good job Its going to rest a lot o me as to how I do a good job or what I do.
So we had him talk then lunch-I snuck tuna in my room-it was so yummy. Then we had Tetun the rest of the day.
8:15 pm So my headache is finally gone-I feel so much better. I finished my romance- it was so dumb.
Today we had a talk from Dr. Dan Murphy-he is an American doctor who is so passionate about helping the Timorese. They train normal women in how to be mid wives so more communities have them. He really wants to coordinate with us so we will figure out which woman can be sent to get training. This guy is so passionate he was really amazing. He put a lot in perspective for me. I am here to work-as weird as it sounds I haven’t thought of this as work yet, but I need to change my mind set-I have a job to do and I want to do a good job Its going to rest a lot o me as to how I do a good job or what I do.
So we had him talk then lunch-I snuck tuna in my room-it was so yummy. Then we had Tetun the rest of the day.
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