August 25, 2005

6:47am So I think I am coming home. I woke up today with this horrific feeling. I am not going to make any quick decisions but I just don’t see myself here for 2 years. I need to talk with someone so being alone doesn’t help. I just have this feeling. I don’t feel anymore that if I come home I am giving up, I feel I am doing what is best for me. I don’t feel this is it. Bt I am not going to think about it for the day-talk to PC when I get back and see what happens.


11:27am Still not thinking about going home. It is just so weird-the clinic is open but maybe 5 people have come. Another nurse is here and I spoke to him and Olinda (the nice nurse) about the main problems. Malaria is the biggest. They do promotions in the villages but se motorcycle which I can’t ride. I just don’t know-I feel helpless and like I am just taking up space. I know I need to just take initiative and figure things out but I don’t feel I can. They forbid me from going anywhere alone.

Oh-so the girl from last night died. A ministry of health truck came by and told us this morning. I think I am shock from the whole experience and have no one to talk to about it. Just get through today and I will figure it out. I feel like I should do something but WHAT?!?!!?

3:14 pm I have pretty much decided on going home-this just isn’t for me. Now this feeling may change but I don’t think so. I don’t know what it is but I know enough about myself to trust my gut. My gut is telling me to go home. It’s a big deal that I am writing this down because I know I am serious. It is as if a weight has been lifted after coming to this realization. I know they say change is slow here but give me a break-I don’t see myself making an impact here. I know as shitty of a job CORAL was-I did something for those kids. There isn’t one reason. I just want to feel like I am accomplishing something. I don’t see it or feel it here-granted its been 2 days but I know when to trust myself.

9:08pm So I have pretty much checked out-I just don’t see myself here. I am having a sweat/panic attack again. I just need to get through tonight talk to someone who understands me and figure out what to do.

This afternoon a guy named Orlando came by, he is a nurse at the CHC where I was yesterday. I put a smile on my face and said the only problem was Sergio not coming and the room is too small. He is going to work on the room/living situation. It is not his fault that my counterpart didn’t show and wasted my time. He gave me a map of the area and was really nice.