9 pm. So-I am home, well home as in Balibar and I am SO happy. My host family is amazing. My host mom said she missed me so much. She didn’t eat or sleep for 2 days. I just loved coming back here and I am going to have a hard time leaving this.
I have talked about my visit so much-I don’t think I can write anymore. Everyone (the trainees and volunteers and my mom and my brother) are all 100% supportive of whatever I decide. I feel much better now that I have talked to people but I still don’t know. I don’t think I will be effective here-I know I can be here, it isn’t that I am weak but I just don’t see myself making the impact that I want to make.
I just don’t know-I feel like I am trying to convince myself that its okay to leave even though I don’t need to. I simply need to do what I feel is right. My fear is that I will regret leaving. I would be afraid that I would constantly be thinking of the people I COULD be helping. But with that said, I feel I have seen the reality of living here enough that I know I wouldn’t REALLY be helping THAT many people. My whole reason for living is to help, I can do that in thousands of places-it doesn’t have to be here.
I fully intended on staying the two years but I really didn’t know the reality of what I was getting in to. I had to try it.
Tomorrow is D-day. I will talk to Gene. I don’t know how it will go. I am going to be strong. I am rational enough now to convey myself. I don’t know if they can say anything that will change my mind. But I also didn’t think there was anything that could change my mind about staying here?? We will see.
Time to distract myself in Harry Potter!
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