September 5, 2005

I made it through the night, barely. I really hate being sick

I am so confused about my decision, to go home or stay. I know I could be here for 2 years but I really don’t think I would be happy. I. I don’t want to sit on my ass for 2 years. I know change is slow, I just don’t know what to do. I ham hoping that when I go to visit, I will get a feeling, one way or the other but I am afraid I won’t. Now that I am not as emotional, I know I could do it, bt I just don’t think this is what I want with my life. I am coming home. I feel good about the decision. No more over analyzing it. That when I get in trouble and upset.

I feel a little better now but I hate trying to sleep. Today we had language and then a stupid tech session on our 100 day plan. Since I have not been to my site or even think I am staying I really didn’t pay attention. Then Barry selects me to present how to teach to the class tomorrow. So much for preparation...
Oh and volunteer Eric (the one getting married on Friday) came. Hearing him speak kinda confirmed that I don’t want to be here. He talked about how he just sat for 6 months doing nothing-not that he didn’t try but nobody wants to doing anything around here. I really don’t want that-shit, I just don’t know what to do. They are going to take me to Manatuto on Wednesday so I guess I will see then.

I know I have said it so many times already, I can do this, I just don’t want to. I don’t see myself here and happy. I honestly don’t know where I see myself but it isn’t here and it isn’t “working” for Peace Corps.  I know at one point I wanted this experience but I really don’t anymore. I almost didn’t come here but I had to try it, I had to test it for myself to know otherwise I would regret it every day because I wouldn’t know what it was like, now I know. I remember talking to Aaron about not coming and he said that out motivations for doing something change well I think is what happened.

I really need to talk to Bill. I can’t just keep writing in circles, it doesn’t get me anywhere.